8 steps to dealing with difficult people
By Heathere Evans, PCC
When someone pushes our buttons or even wrongs us somehow, we want them to accept responsibility. We want them to make amends and make it right. Our brains seek to make sense of their behavior, to understand its impact. If we’re willing, however, the moments when we are experiencing something upsetting, irritating, or stressful can also be an opportunity to discover a higher potential within ourselves, reaping rewards that are tangible and measurable to build a more resilient, powerful you. Not in spite of the difficult people in your life, but because of them.
Below is a framework I call "The Resilient Eight." It helped me a great deal when I went through a divorce after 18 years of marriage. Any breakup is hard. And nearly all of them have the potential to bring out the worst in each person’s personality. These eight steps helped me stay true to myself, make better choices, and heal.
If taken in sequence, these steps can help you, too, and each can be transformational. Take as much time as you need with each step, just don’t allow yourself to get stuck. This is a process meant to take you through and forward.
8 steps to creating a stronger you
Step 1. The art of authenticity
"I’m fine" and "I’ll just deal with it" are toxic thoughts for us all. You’re having real feelings that deserve space and compassion. No holds barred: Set a timer for 10 minutes. Focus on what’s bothering you and write whatever comes to mind onto the page without censoring it. Then, put this paper into a shredder or tear it up as a way of releasing toxic thoughts and emotions.
Step 2. Tap your team
If you’re going to use life to build resilience and come out of challenges stronger than ever, you must be willing to see beyond what is obvious. Your tribe is a great place to explore new perspectives and get out of your own head. Build your crew: Make a list of 2-3 mentors, coaches, or friends who listen well and let you feel and express. Don’t forget to ask if they have alternative perspectives or wisdom from their own lives to share as well.
Step 3. Pay attention to your needs
You’ve been giving that difficult person in your life a lot of mental and emotional energy. It’s time for you to stop letting this situation drain and deplete you. Let’s direct your thoughts and actions to a completion exercise that can help you step free. Say it to yourself: What do you wish that person would say? Write a letter including everything you need to hear as if the person was taking responsibility for their actions. If they were really healthy emotionally, they actually would say all of those things to you.
Step 4. Own your junk
Inner strength is reflected in choices, in how you behave, especially when you’re upset. Rather than attack, blame, ridicule, feel self-righteous, and get resentful, choosing behaviors you are proud of brings us back into our power. Knowing how terrible it feels when someone else doesn’t own their part, be sure you’re a person in the world who does. Double down on your commitment to being accountable (and, if you’re a parent, raise people who take responsibility too). Take responsibility: The difficult person in your life is likely responsible for 98 percent of the situation, but what if you had some small contribution as well (e.g., maybe wasn’t clear in my communication, could have set better boundaries, etc.)? Be honest about what happened so you can approach things differently next time.
Step 5. Suspend judgment
When we stop judging and accept others as they are, we cultivate an environment of respect and empathy. This allows for richer relationships, encourages growth, and fosters greater personal wellbeing. Become the observer: Take 2 minutes to reflect on the judgments you have about yourself and/or others. Notice the thoughts and feelings that arise when you think these thoughts. Now, imagine observing life from a place of neutrality, with no judgment or need for anyone or anything to be different than it is.
Step 6. Become the hero
The words we use to describe the situations and events of our lives have a huge impact on our brain-body chemistry. When we have an internal narrative that puts us in the role of victim, we drain our energy and disempower ourselves. Own your frustration and make choices that cast you as the hero in the story of your life. Retell the story. You know the version where the difficult person in your life gets center stage. Now, consider a different version with YOU exploring responses and choices befitting the resilient protagonist. This sentence completion exercise can be a start: “I feel upset by this, so I’m going to _______” (e.g., ask more questions, use this as an opportunity to practice a skill I'd like to cultivate in myself, give myself some space to process, be grateful I am able to see beyond this to the bigger picture, recognize this person is on their own path of development and learning, etc.).
Step 7. Go for the gold
It is a mark of personal leadership to be willing to look at challenging events through the lens of learning, without discounting the struggle. Take a moment of self-gratitude for all you’re doing in this process! Now, let’s go for the gold. Take a Learning Orientation: The way through any challenge is to focus on the “gift in the garbage” and keep taking the next step. Write down 1-3 things you are learning right now through this challenging relationship with a difficult person. How does each one make you a better version of yourself?
Step 8. Choose compassion
The only way out of suffering and upset is to relate to yourself and others with compassion. A great teacher once said to me, "When you are aware that the mistakes others make are more painful to them than anyone else, you will never take away your kindness because of something they do or don't do." Building a bridge to compassion enhances well-being and helps us be a more loving presence in the world. Self-Inquiry: Ask yourself, given the possibility that the behavior of the difficult person in my life is more hurtful to their life in the long run than to mine, can I feel compassion for them? If the answer is no, revisit Step 5. If it’s a yes, then ask: Can I feel compassion for myself and anyone else in the world who might be experiencing this same situation?
As Maya Angelou wisely said, “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.” The Resilient Eight is a process that can be applied to all relationship challenges—past, present, or future. The steps can help you reclaim your power, grow stronger, and find much-deserved peace of mind.
Heathere Evans is an ICF-certified professional coach, consultant, and member of Harvard’s Institute of Coaching. Her work combines principles from the fields of leadership, psychology, communications, and business to help individuals and teams shift toward a more empowered way of being, communicating, and working.
